Remote Worker who coworks at Cohere: “Oh My God. I was just on a video call for 4 hours.”

According to Gallup’s State of the American Workplace report, 43 percent of Americans said they spent at least some time working remotely last year. If you’re like many of the Cohere members, your overlords probably require you to video call them often and with great relish. After almost eight years of watching people cowork and work remotely, I think it’s high time we have a Bill of Rights for them. In no particular order, the following standards shall be adopted regardless of timezone, KPI achievement or internet speed.

Internet Speed

Employers shall install at their cost and inconvenience, business class internet in the homes of their remote employees. Fiber is preferred.

Alternative Internet

Employers shall NOT install a redundant ISP at employees’ homes because in times of internet interruption, remote employees shall be expected to recreate.

Humans

Employers shall provide an adequate stipend to all remote employees, which allows them to obtain and hold joyfully a membership of their choice at the coworking space of their choice whether or not they decide to actually use it.

Video Calls

Video calls may not exceed a length of 30 minutes. In extreme cases, calls may be extended in increments of 10 minutes if extra bathroom and snack breaks are provided at an interval of no less than one per hour. Remote employees are allowed to pace during calls.

Agenda

No meeting may be scheduled before an agenda has been created and distributed (turns out a robust agenda can be used In LIEU OF an actual meeting)

Time Zones

Meetings and calls must be scheduled from 10a-3p in the remote employee’s timezone. Calls that happen at other ungodly hours are considered “optional” in perpetuity. Calls that interfere with coworking membership lunches shall be rescheduled.

Health

Employees shall have fresh citrus fruits delivered weekly from November through May to prevent scurvy. This provision can be overlooked for remote employees who can prove they went outside daily. Most coworking spaces will provide an attendance report to indicate employee received daylight.

Workstation

Employer will provide at their cost, the workstation of choice, no matter how absurd or trendy it is. This includes height adjustable desks, treadmill desks, bicycle desks, desks in water features or standard desks.

Monitors

Employers shall furnish at their cost up to six external monitors in the dimensions of the employee’s choosing.

Power Cords

Employers shall furnish up to eight additional chargers per employee. If a remote employee arrives to their coworking space and has forgotten their charger, employer will deploy a service like Uber to deliver a compatible power cord in 90 minutes or less.

Buzzwords

Employers must pay a per word stipend to employees for each buzzword used in email or on the phone including but not limited to: on the same page, touching base, innovation and all derivatives of it, synergy, boiling the ocean, ping, wheelhouse, sports metaphors of any kind, war metaphors of any kind, references to boy scouts and their speeds, pivot (unless you are an irrigation company), rock star, guru, funnel (unless you make industrial or waterpark related funnels), any references to a fruit’s distance from the ground and let’s unpack this/that. The stipend is set at $.01/word so as to not negatively impact the bottom line of the company in the first quarter of implementation.

Pants

Employers shall permit remote workers to cover their nether regions in the fabric type/shape of their choice including but not limited to jeans, shorts, skorts of any kind, sarongs, slacks, or stretchy pants.

Memes

All employees must be trained how to search for, find, upload and create memes and gifs to be used across all electronic communication platforms.

In return for your modest contribution to your remote staff you’ll see a 50% reduction in turnover and an 82% reduction in employee stress, which equals greater productivity.

via GIPHY