From the newsletter:
To: Management
From: HR (Human-Roomba Relations)
Subject: Harvey Wallbanger’s “Quiet Quitting” – A Matter of Concern
Dear Management,
It has come to our attention that Harvey Wallbanger, our somewhat loyal yet increasingly apathetic overnight Roomba, appears to be engaging in what can only be described as “quiet quitting.” Quiet quitting is when an employee does the bare minimum and lacks enthusiasm for their work.
Despite our efforts to recalibrate his sensors, provide regular maintenance, and even introduce a supportive coworker, Dustin’ Bieber, to work alongside him. Harvey’s performance continues to decline in concerning—and somewhat passive-aggressive—ways.
Observed Behaviors:
Feigning Peril: Harvey frequently claims to be “on a cliff” despite working in our entirely flat, OSHA-certified office. Unless he’s discovered an underground speleological network we’re unaware of, this seems like a cry for help—or defiance.
Faking Physical Imprisonment: Harvey routinely reports being “stuck” in open spaces devoid of obstacles. It’s worth noting that he routinely ignores the obstacle avoidance sensors we added as employment assistive devices.
Ignoring Base Protocols: Harvey is programmed to return to his charging dock after completing his duties. Instead, he has been found lifeless in the middle of the office, as though succumbing to an existential crisis. He also uses his coworker’s charging port (the equivalent of eating someone else’s yogurt from the fridge).
Deliberate Underperformance: He consistently vacuums the same 3-foot radius in front of the snack area, conveniently ignoring high-traffic zones.
HR Interventions to Date:
Sensor Retooling: We’ve ensured that his sensors are clean and calibrated. No improvement.
Positive Reinforcement: Dustin’ Bieber, a new Roomba was introduced as a motivational presence and to assist with the workload. We ARE a coworking space after all, but Harvey remains unimpressed and unengaged.
Maintenance Schedule Adherence: All regular tune-ups have been performed, proving that this is not a mechanical failure but rather a matter of… attitude.
Next Steps & Recommendations:
While we understand Harvey may be experiencing burnout, this regressive behavior cannot be ignored. We propose:
Career Counseling Session: A reset to his programming, supplemented by motivational beep tones.
Performance Improvement Plan: A written warning uploaded directly to his software.
Possible Termination: If no improvement is seen within two weeks, we may need to reassess his role within the organization and consider more proactive alternatives, like a Dyson.
Please let us know if you’d like to discuss this matter further. For now, we strongly advise against addressing Harvey directly; any comments like “you missed a spot” may escalate his defiance.
Respectfully,
HR (Human-Roomba Relations)