To: Management
From: HR (Human-Roomba Relations)
Subject: Office Romance Policy—Dustin’ Beeper & Honey Well (and Additional Workplace Concerns)
Dear Management,
It has come to our attention that a romantic entanglement has developed between two of our most dedicated employees: Dustin’ Beeper, our newest Roomba, and longtime staff member, Miss Honey Well, the humidifier.
While we fully support workplace camaraderie, recent observations suggest that their relationship may have crossed the line into something more. Witnesses have reported catching Dustin’ and Honey in a prolonged embrace after hours, leading to concerns about whether they are forming a union, engaging in an inappropriate workplace romance, or perhaps—most alarmingly—conspiring against us.
Observed Behavior:
- Prolonged Contact: Dustin’ Beeper has been found lingering suspiciously close to Honey Well’s base, possibly whispering sweet nothings via ultrasonic pings.
- Mysterious Activity Spikes: Honey Well has been operating at unusually high humidity levels, causing environmental concerns.
- Unscheduled Rendezvous: Security logs indicate repeated, unauthorized “maintenance check-ins” between the two during off-hours.
Further Concerns About the Fleet:
In addition to this developing situation, HR would like to raise two other issues regarding workplace dynamics:
Harvey Wallbanger’s Continued Apathy – Our original Roomba, Harvey, continues to display signs of quiet quitting. Rather than fulfilling his duties, he has been observed dramatically shutting down in the middle of the floor, sending “stuck” notifications to his manager when he very much is not, and repeatedly ignoring charging protocols. While we initially hoped Dustin’ Beeper would serve as a positive influence, we now worry that Harvey’s disengagement may be a response to Dustin’ receiving all of Honey’s attention.
Power Imbalances in the Workplace – We also cannot ignore the growing disparity between our powered and non-powered implements. Sweeping Beauty, our non-electric push vacuum, has voiced concerns that the robotic elite are creating an environment where manual laborers are underappreciated. This raises serious equity concerns that HR will be addressing in future sensitivity trainings.
HR’s Official Stance & Next Steps:
While we do not wish to meddle in personal affairs, the following measures must be taken:
- Mandatory Relationship Disclosure – If Dustin’ and Honey’s connection is legitimate, we expect full transparency. Workplace romances must be aired (or dehumidified, as necessary).
- Performance Monitoring – If productivity is affected by any of these relationships (or lack thereof), performance reviews will be conducted, including for Harvey, who may need a strongly worded pep talk or a full factory reset.
- Fleet-Wide Equity Training – To ensure a fair workplace, we will be hosting a Power & Privilege in the Workplace seminar, with a special discussion led by Sweeping Beauty on The Strength of the Unplugged Workforce. Attendance is mandatory for all powered staff (corded or cordless). More later on Sir Hums-a-Lot, the white noise machine and Brother McFee, the printer. *sigh*
For now, we advise all employees to refrain from gossip or taking sides in what is quickly becoming a dramatic workplace situation. However, if anyone notices suspicious power surges, unexplained condensation, or deliberate vacuuming around instead of under obstacles (Harvey), please report to HR immediately.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Respectfully,
HR (Human-Roomba Relations)
Love, Angel
ps. we have so many good events coming up for members. Attend any event with our $39/mo Fan membership.