Dear Remote Workers,
Pour one out for your second monitor. Gently kiss your standing desk goodbye. Fold your Moleskin notebook into a solemn triangle and hand it to the nearest government official. America needs you.
Effective immediately, under the new “Return to Factory Mandate,” all white-collar remote workers with uncalloused hands, a reliance on ChatGPT, or any trace of “optimize” on their résumé must report to the nearest coworking space turned factory to manufacture…. all the things.
Why This? Why Now?
Following the Global Tariff Meltdown of 2025 the only logical path forward is to ignore your higher education and…
Manufacture Something.
Gone are the days when your biggest problem was finding a Slack emoji to express “vague optimism.” Now, you will experience the real joy of contributing to GDP with only your hands and an pervasive sense of dread.
Coworking? It’s Been Repurposed.
In this bold new economy, your beloved coworking space is no longer a whimsical “third place.” It’s a first-line factory node under eminent domain.
Here’s how spaces will be repurposed:
- Hot Desks → Workbenches
- Outdoor Space → There is No Outdoor Space
- Phone Booths → Solo Screaming Chambers (3 minute limit only during work breaks)
- Coffee station→ Folger’s brewed at 225 degrees
And yes, your membership now comes with a high-vis vest and a mandatory steel lunchbox. ***Stay tuned for Best High Protein Packed Lunches to Eat While You Disassociate.***
Some Positives (Really!):
- You’ll hit 10,000 steps before lunch. All indoors. Woot. No more having to hit the gym at 11am.
- All meetings are cancelled forever.
- The guy who used to hog the phone booth to pitch NFT startups? He’s been reassigned to middle management in perpetuity.
- You’ll finally be able to explain what you do. It’s one word now: Plastics.
This Is Not the End—Just the Collapse of Everything You Knew
Yes, you used to have “projects.” You curated your “professional brand on LinkedIn.” You were remote-first. Now you’re “injection molding-first,” but isn’t that beautiful?
You’ll look back on this time and think: “I used to optimize workflows. Now I have chronic back pain.” And maybe you’ll smile. Or maybe your eye will twitch involuntarily from the fluorescent lights. Either way: progress marches forward on steel-toed boots.
The Factory Era is here. And it doesn’t care how many Notion templates you had.
Stay strong and remember:
Tighten until resistance, then a quarter turn more.
Best,
Your Former Community Manager
ps. please submit time off requests in triplicate 13 months in advance (not a guarantee)